the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more..

This semester, I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve learned it’s not always about having good answers; it’s about asking good questions. I’ve learned that worship is not an obligation, but an eruption. I’ve learned that if I treated my friends as badly as I sometimes treat myself, I probably wouldn’t have many friends. I learned that living in a house with eight girls is an absolute blast. I’ve learned that sleep deprivation makes everything harder. I’ve learned that planners and google calendars are clutch in my life. I’ve learned that I’m really bad at saying no to obligations. I’ve learn that I need to make sure I have enough consciousness of self to know when I need to practice self-care so that I can serve others better. I’ve learned I did not do this well.

I learned to look at education in a whole new way: in a way that can be transforming. I learned to take advantage of the AMAZING individuals around me. I’ve enjoyed coffee with professors. I knew where all of my professor’s offices were, because I was constantly there. I’ve learned that putting stock in really great, inspiring people is the best kind of investment. I’ve learned to think on my own, and how to get excited about opportunities.

I’ve learned that I LOVE mentoring. Whether it was teaching students in my psychology 101 recitations, leading fitness classes, being a personal trainer, or merely a presentation for class: I love sharing my passions. I’ve learned that can be one of the most fulfilling things in life.

I’ve learned I love being around people who are passionate about life, they are simply contagious to me. I’ve learned that “when one's heart is overfilled with joy, some may spill from the eyes”. I’ve learned that when you’re with somebody who can make you laugh, coding data during 9:00am lab hours isn’t so bad. I’ve learned to profoundly appreciate the person that listened to me ramble on every single day, and still calls me friend. I’ve learned that I get along best with strong personalities. I’ve learned that fun is an essential part of life, even if it perpetuates sleep deprivation. I’ve learned to love people, to love people until it hurts. I’ve learned to hate injustice, I’ve learned to HATE IT SO MUCH that the only thing I can do is something. I’ve learned that I want to live my life in a way that when my feet hit the floor each morning the… devil says, “Oh no..she's awake..” I’ve learned that my God hates oppression. I’ve learned to love people for their individual differences. I learned that people you love and trust will always surprise you, a lot of times in really bad and hurtful ways, but sometimes in great, inspiring ways too.

I’ve learned that the people in my life inspire me: every.single.day. I’ve spoken with victims who have the most beautiful hearts. To see their passion and joy despite what they’ve been through, I can only admire them. You all have inspired me more than you’ll ever know. I’ve learned that I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong, and that is more valuable. I’ve learned this is all a big journey, and the adventure only stops if you let it. I’ve learned to stop always looking for the final product, but to focus on the process.

I learned that there are times in life that I am going to open my hands to catch, and I am going to wind up with only blisters and bruises: I’ve learned there are going to be times when I step out of a phone booth and try to fly, and the very people I want to save are the ones standing on my cape. I am learning to not be afraid of my failures. I’ve learned that frustration can be a sign of mental health, by seeing the world more clearly than I have ever seen it before.

I’ve cried, but not for myself. I’ve cried for the pain that I’ve seen and heard others going through. Bad things. Things that nobody should EVER have to go through (And baby, I promise, I’ll help you fight these things with all I have). My hearts breaks for these people. I’ve learned that community is key. I’ve learned need is everywhere, in many forms. I’ve been so blessed; I have no tears for myself. I’ve learned compassion is transformative.

Despite everything I learned, there were so many ways I failed. I did a really bad job of making time for people who really needed me. I haven’t accepted compliments well due to hyper vigilance and insecurities. I’ve assumed bad intentions from others. I was sleep deprived for 4 months straight. I didn’t write. I didn’t dance. I didn’t have free time to offer to people. I rarely read my bible. I said things that maybe I shouldn’t have. I didn’t say things that maybe I should have. I was unintentionally not accepting of others viewpoints. I’ve made some bad decisions. I’ve been selfish. I was all over the place, and rarely took time to just breathe. I’ve been a bad listener. I gained weight. I neglected friendships I really care about. More days than not, I depended on my morning coffee.

And even though I can go on and on about the things I did poorly, it could never equal the gain. While maybe I can’t list things that I did well this semester, I could write for days about how rewarding the experience has been. So you know what—I’ll take the sleep deprivation. I’ll take the frustration. I’ll take the work load. I’ll continue to work on self-care. I’ll continue to work on making time for friends. I’ll continue to fight the good fight. I’ll continue to not always look for answers, but to ask good questions.

My heart knows its passion, it know its purpose. This heartbeat will not slow down.
I'M ALIVE.

Laying on the ground in the middle of a courtyard. 34 degree light raindrops fall on my smile as I look up to watch them trickle down the sky.


She was an older lady, clearly over 60. A short hair cut, with waves of gray weaving through. She had on a long coat with a scarf draped around her neck. Circular classes, with tender eyes. Her husband was a tall man. He was wearing one of those french-looking hats on, that only old men could possibly pull off. He had a white beard, and looked like the proudest man I've ever seen, walking his bike and being next to wife. I watched them walk brick way, eventually fading with the light. It was dark, but I couldn't help but notice the way he looked at her. I've never seen anything like it.



It was the warmest 34 degree rainy night I've ever experienced..

Emotions run wild.

How are you suppose to react when something you feel so passionately, something you build your world around changing, is balled up and thrown in your face? When it's mocked, and dehumanized.

What did we do to you? What gives you the right to sing songs that suggest femininity is subhuman? Songs that say a woman's purpose in life is to be a sex slave to you. Who do you think you are, to put pleasure over the value of a person.

And if I just sit here, that does nothing. And if I get up and walk out, I'm just another girl "who can't handle it" in your eyes. How do I tell my heart not to hate you? How do I convince my heart that you don't mean it, when you say it, when you sing it, when you scream it with such passion?

Does it make you feel like a man? Does it make you feel strong, does it somehow give you power? Because it just makes me think you don't have a heart, it makes me think if you could say that you don't know what love is, and it makes me think you don't ever deserve to be in love.



"Cut her in half, and throw away the top half"..
IF I'M NOT ANGRY, I WASN'T LISTENING.

コリーヌ・ベイリー・レイ「プット・ユア・レコーズ・オン」

Gives me the warm fuzzies.

I'm not really sure when this started. I'm not really sure how, either. And to be honest, I'm not really sure why. I would love to sit back and blame it on outside factors. Yeah, that's be nice. When did this culture of obsession with perfectionism come to be? How did we get caught up in this? I wasn't raised to think I wasn't good enough, so why is it a theme that resounds in my head daily? A culture of comparisons, of negative self talk, of "if I only achieved this".

What even is that? Why do we expect so much out of ourselves, set unrealistic goals that we would never expect of anyone else, and then when we don't meet these standards, because we're human, we are suddenly terrible failures?

And since when did being perfect become so attractive? "Perfect" people aren't fun. "Perfect" people aren't real. I have no desire to be friends with the "perfect". Why do I strive for what I look at as repulsive?



I can't be everything. I'm over it, I'm moving on.

I'm trying, okay!?

LEARNING TO LOVE THE YOU GOD CREATED.